screaming and kicking
by doingstuff
Summary: An angst fic of where Yuri's eating habits just get worse. A running fic nobody asked for. UPDATES: Every MONTH or sooner! Read at your own risk. tw: sh, ed, exhaustion
1. a story in making

_**A/N:**__ This is a fic centered on Yuri's BED with slight mentions of bulimia. This is my first attempt at an actual ~finished story~  
Mostly this is a self-projection put it into words. I am so sorry for anyone suffering from any of this. This story has been sitting unpublished for over a year. Well. I did it. Here it is. I can't work on this story a /lot/ since it has so much angst and plot workigs bc its a lil personal. but ill do the updates to finish this story even if it takes many months.  
_

**_enjoy~_**

* * *

ch1

My stomach was full; absolutely full.

It was full to the_ capacity_ with food.

I knew I could fit more due to my emotions, I could feel tears at the edge of my eyes.

Fatefully, I knew I had to do it. I checked each wrapper, sighing as I checked multiple times at the labels. My fingers were dancing the next few minutes as I logged the whole mess into my phone. I grabbed all the wrappers in one hand and buried them all deep in the garbage; to the bottom of the can. That was were I was headed after three months of being clean from all of this and one close call. This was shameful but it was so he wouldn't see.

God damn.

The emotional binge eating hindered me. I needed to stop since I needed to drop some to get good times so I could get top places. Now was the time to train my guts out but it was morning and I had already eaten three times my goal intake for maintaining my weight; maintenance.

My muscles ached already but that was no excuse.

I had to do do extra practice today...my rest day…and possibly being a poked at by Viktor for eating like a glutton if he found out. No. Not this time, I can't be a pig this year because there is so much was riding on my success. I knew Viktor knew small bits of two years ago of my nervous-binge-eating; that it got in the way of me qualifying even for finals.

Feet: mine in the kitchen and eyes planted to Viktor's and my room.

The thought of him looking at me in disappointment or disgust because of me gaining weight sent a shiver down my spine.

A sigh from my lips and another trip to the fridge.

My waterbottle was waiting for me dutifully full and I drank big gulps from it, my stomach arguing and soothed all at once.

"Bye." I said quietly to no one, heading out the door.

Maybe the farewell was to my streak or to the close relationship that I knew I would widen with binge eating.

That was always the case when I knew I was taking the steps to spiraling.

With my phone secure and my running shoes on, I started with a hard seven mile run around town. During the run my phone vibrated but I was too far into the run to answer it coherently; I would be panting into it like a dog.

I got to the track safely but winded.

My phone vibrated again.

My hand drifted to my shoulder strap for my phone but it switched off to home screen just as I was going to get it out.

Hm.

I paused, putting my hands on the chain link fence, grass underneath my bare feet. Maybe I should call him back. I did some leg swings and some easy stretches to get loose. Now I had to do drills on the soft grass then maybe another seven miles easy. This was a medium workout but would erase all the damage and then some.

Wait- I held my head.

I felt a small wave of dizziness.

No.

No.

NO!

But I already got my "fuel" for today, this couldn't happen.

Anxiety was mounting up in me, I felt my energy wavering so I put my forehead on the fence for some time.

My heart was racing erratically, it seem to stop as I felt a hand resting on my head. It pulled me back into reality.

I jumped a beat later.

The owner of the hand said, "Well…looks like someone read the schedule wrong _and_ forgot to answer their phone…"

I froze under the touch of the lightly placed hand on my head.

The wooziness and slightly pukey feeling was replaced by panic.

A different anxious fervor mounted inside me.

"You know its a rest day, why are you in front of the track?…all sweaty? Did you just-…? What's wrong Yuuri?" Viktor, my coach asked, my hands were turning white from gripping the fence.

I could feel my face heating up, still facing away from him.

"Ah…...Uh…." I felt a small stomach jab and winced, I was still full but I was still oh so dizzy.

"Kakiye-What?" He sounded confused now, "Yuri. Face me. Why are you acting like this?"

I turned slowly around with a faint breath on my lips, I was face to face with the Russian runner that I have been coached underneath for a little over a year now.

Both our eyes held intense but different gazes. My back was against the fence now. Trust, faith, loyalty all lay in this man and so much more. But there were things I still kept….like how bad my binge eating really was.

….Magazines.

….TV.

….Blogs.

They all covered the to be winners and maybes. Ever since I got a rallying but bittersweet second, much attention was being placed on me.

Attention was directed towards what I ate in a day, training schedule and even how my family was. It was that hard to deflect them but they always found a way to find out things and publish them anyways.

Man. Ever since they found out about my crazy training schedule without my extra workouts...it would be hell if they found out about my eating...habits.

I wheezed aloud at that thought.

"Woah Yuri-"

I blinked, now I was looking at my shoes, gaze drifted from pure rapid thoughts.

"What?"

"You spaced out for a second." He looked uncased.

He turned from worried to intense with a rough: "Listen. To. Me."

Viktor pushed me against the fence lightly. His hands were on my shoulders, his foot placed close to the fence. If he stood any closer. In public? His chest was an inch away from mine.

The summer sun came over the horizon.

I gulped.

"Stop having anxiety about the competition. Its just a race. You, like any other runner in this race needs time to help recover from going hard...its just not good for your body to do too much. Do the drills, whatever. Go easy though." He ordered.

He took a strong step back and I breathed out.

"Wait- I didn't tell you I was doing drills?"I questioned.

He smiled at this replying easily, "I know more than you think hon."

"Ok..." I shoved my uneasy feelings down.

"I'll watch your form." He replied to this.

I nodded and went to the grassy football field.

"Wait. But-Yuuri-my sweet piglet!?" He raised his voice.

I stiffened.

I looked to him, he was leaning against the fence now, easily.

His stare turned to stone, it turned to the stern coach that I once met long ago. This was why he was so famous, his commitment to his clients.

But he never pulled this face with me.

I gulped.

"Don't let me catch you not doing the schedule. The extra mileage can hurt you. I don't want that for you." He said sweetly with the tense gaze.

"Okay." I turned around to get in position.

Easy skips. I started doing drills and my mind wandered. I overdid it this time though I was going to do more. I can't do this behind his back!

I can't be doing this stuff. But still...I deserved this because the name was still a thing. My jaw clenched from his once endearing piglet name. I hated that name. I loathed it.

Bitter tears were at the edge of my eyes and I shook my head, fighting them back.

I turned around and did butt-kicks halfway then switched to high knees. By the end of my drills I wasn't misty eyed but instead I felt worse than earlier. So many feelings were inside of me but one surfaced more above the rest.

Turmoil.

A want to end it but a want to continue.


	2. another one

_**A/N:** __...i am going to try to keep this story really easy to read (grammar issues updated as much as i can) and also i have a couple of chapters ready to go but just need sifting through.  
Also the author notes are personal notes to readers and a bit for me so no editing in here ! ! yEeeE~!_

_enjoy~_

* * *

Ch2

He talked about doing an ice bath and maybe swimming tomorrow or possibly some hard sprints and recovery later in the day. Or maybe easy cross-training like ice skating. Viktor just kept on talking about the schedule that was ahead and how this affected it.

He paused after a moment then continued the sudden silence. I lifted my head to look at him.

He chose his words carefully saying Hey...let's work together to off-set this...stressful event. He said more after that but I stopped listening after that.

We walked two miles to our apartment.

Some time passed and I was stopped with a hand being waved in front of my face.

"Yuuri where did you go?" Viktor called me, a trace of worry in his voice.

"Huh?" I snapped back into focus.

We were both standing in front of the apartment. I knew some time had passed but fourty minutes already? Fast.

"Yuuri I'm not angry I'm just…saddened at this?"

Woah...what? I wasn't paying attention half the time and now this?

"Is that the word?" He asked himself but instead shook his head, "No mind."

He put his hands on his hips and sighed, leaning away from me.

"Yea I know what I did and I'm sorry." I breathed in, "This isn't the first time...I'm sorry."

I bit my bottom lip then shifted my weight.

He raised his eyebrows.

If this conversation kept going...I might have to tell him about how it _really _happened.

Just.

I breathed in. Viktor looked me straight in the eye.

He tried to take the edge off, "Come on! Even the pros need some break days."

"Viktor we are the pros." I stated bluntly.

"Well." He said, "That's true...so if its the truth that we are the pros that must mean it is double true!"

He laughed to himself and I couldn't help but easing into his personality and smiling because of this man. Here I was worrying, more well-rested than him and here he was trying to make it better though he looked so, so tired. He was so funny and caring that sometimes it hurt.

"Hey..." Viktor was pondering, "What is planned for today?"

"Fruit or. Uh. Pork...bowl?"

I began thinking oh- on the calendar, I was thinking instead about meals I'd rather avoid.

"Oh well...I'll do what you want to do." I said.

He easily supplied, "We could shop. Too far away to still get the new competition uniform...We could lounge around the house. We could go visit Yurio's hotel since he will be here late today for some training regiments from me since he has plateauing for a week. He's going to come here after that..."

He trailed off and paled.

"Oh." I noted.

"Oh! Crap...Merde...shit..." He mumbled, "I wasn't suppose to tell you that…he was."

He clapped his hands together, "Well. The house's fridge does need to be filled a bit...seems a bit more empty than last night...and since you mentioned fruit and pork bowls. We can go shopping!"

Viktor started walking, my cheeks slightly pink.

He didn't notice.

I followed.

He continued, "We could also grab lunch later at this little shoppe/restaurant combo I've wanted to try for a while."

"Yea...that sounds good." I lied.

My hands were in my pockets...it was a breezy summer day.

"You have been quiet. A bit more. You know. I am not that mad, I know you will do well in the future." He pressed.

"I'm fine. I am just…."

So sick of myself. Done with myself. Fed up. In the real and metaphorical sense.

Tired of myself but in a different way.

I didn't want to bother...Viktor…about my shit. I didn't want to burden him more, he already held so much.

He sighed, "...What's up Yuuri?"

"I'm fine."

"Okay well...I trust you will come to me if something's wrong. Vice versa."

I looked away, "Yea. I will."

One more lie couldn't hurt.


	3. please stop

_**A/N:**__ hello hello! hope everyone is having a wonderful day! t__hanks for coming all the way to chapter three!_

_enjoy~_

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ch3

There was a difference between a single lie and multiple lies; and my lies were piling up. I skipped as many snacks as I could and didn't stick to the schedule, always getting an extra workout when Viktor was sleeping or doing something else.

I couldn't help it.

That breaking day where I woke up and was starving. Not just physically but mentally I was starving that day and I just had one bite of a cupcake. Then I went and shoved as much food as I could in my mouth. It was horrible and I tried to get away with it but Viktor found me at the track so quickly...and called me out for not doing too much. The saddest part of it was that he was right.

So now here I was, sore muscles, hunger in my stomach. I was trying to quell my hunger by drinking cold water.

There wasn't much to do since Yuuri was behind schedule, a flight delayed or whatnot.

I took a sip from my ice cold water, staring at the living room ceiling. There wasn't much to do on easy days. We had already finished our easy two miles and now were relaxing.

My lies were going to catch up to me, but not soon.

"Hey wow!" Viktor checked his phone, bring me out of my thoughts.

"What?" I was confused.

He walked in the living room in black track pants, smile on his face, holding up his phone.

"It has been three months to the day that you have binge ate!"

"Oh. It has." I reddened.

That wasn't the case anymore since I broke it exactly a week ago.

"Of course I have noticed! Also all the progress you have made." He wiggled his eyebrows at me and plopped down next to me.

He pat my knee.

I didn't stiffen but I wanted to crawl out of my skin, I hated having a body sometimes.

We sat next to each other, me sipping on my water and staring as he absentmindly scrolled through his phone. Then he sat up quickly and said, oh!.

"What?" I turned to him.

"I know lets celebrate with...hmm probably-! Mhm. Maybe. How about a new restaurant? Lemme look first."

I knew to shut this down before it even started so I cut him off with stating plainly: "I'm not hungry."

That was a lie, I was so, so hungry.

I adjusted in a different position on the couch, by leaning against my palm. I was looking out the window, toying with my straw in a glass of water, ice cubes lazily floating around. I wanted to scream how much the hunger pangs hurt. Why did I do this to myself when I knew it hurt so much? It had only been a week since I started and it was here...already.

"Ah. Well. No mind." Viktor smiled smally, "It's good that you are listening to your body. Just try to adhere to the schedule, da?"

"I don't know." I glanced to him, "I feel a bit queasy."

I shrugged.

"Yes. Ok."

We sat in the living room with Maki for sometime.

We said nothing to each other.

Til I had a thought, "Hey...how about we go for a walk around the park...with Maki too? To get out?"

He raised his eyebrows a tad, "I thought you felt queasy?"

_To burn calories_ my mind added.

"For a date." I added.

"Ooooooooo~" He checked his watch, "Wait- Whoops. I am supposed to be making schedules for my other clients for this month! Oh my god-"

"Go." I shooed him away, making a motion.

"But the date." He groaned a bit but the glint in his eye told me otherwise.

"No. You go. You know I can't even..." It was still a sore subject, "Schedule. Go. Do."

"Ok!" He lit up, merciful but pleading, "I will make this up to you."

He brought my hands to his mouth taking a deep breath and kissed each hand once.

"Well if you promise." I purred.

"Yuuri...please. Oh my gosh. I have to go work." He stood up redundantly.

"Ok." I took a sip of my ice water.

"Ok." He nodded and smiled, winking.

I almost spit out my water because of this.

"Come on Maki."

She got up as if to follow but stopped.

Maki looked at me like I needed more comfort then he did and she tilted her head to the right, staring at me.

"Go." I pointed to the office.

"Makkiiii come onnnn!" Viktor playfully yelled.

"Goooo...follow him!" I pointed to the hallway.

She gave me a knowing look and left quickly, trotting after him into his office.

The moment his office door closed, I tore off the blanket, and listened to any noises.

I got to work doing ab exercises. I didn't need the walk. It was ok. He was gone. I can do as much as I want.

Heck his schedule.

My mind craved exercise more as well as the thought of my weight made me want to do this even more.

.

Halfway through the impulsive ab exercises I felt a wave of dizziness.

This was unfortunate since I was doing the standing crunches.

Push through the dizziness like I always did these past days. It was ok, this was a commonplace feeling now. No one noticed it except me. I needed to push harder and I felt a bead of sweat roll down my face as I breathed harder.

"...Yuuri?"

My head snapped to the hallway, I froze mid crunch.

He was standing and staring. His mouth was slightly open.

This was going to be hell to explain.

"Oh-"

"Oh?"

"Oh no." I said, "I'm- I am so sorry that this-. Viktor listen I have to tell you something."

After this sentence my head fell forward and I closed my eyes to keep the world from tilting. The world spun around me and I braced myself against the couch, trying not to stumble from the place I was standing.

"Yuuri please." He scoffed, "Stop faking it. You said you wouldn't- You said you would follow the schedule! Why...?"

My eyes flew open when they desperately needed to be closed, I had to try to explain.

I was already too far into this but he stood in the same spot, scrutinizing me, staring.

"I will tell you the truth but now- I feel like I am going to like..." I couldn't say the word.

"Are you sure you want to tell me the truth or just another lie?" He raised one eyebrow in question.

"I have to say that..." I slowly said.

The world tilted and I fell along with it.


	4. lonely turmoil

_**A/N: **__nobody asked but I listen to alternative/just mooDy songs when writing. thanks for reading three chpters….it has been a story so far/_

_enjoy~_

* * *

"Yuuri-!"

I just fell. I remembered myself falling, the thud. The small noise from Viktor, footsteps. There was just too much blackness in my vision. I was okay. I didn't actually faint. I was just too tired. Sure. But it all passed in slow motion yet a split heartbeat. The confusion. The appeal.

Yet I knew deep inside that I didn't want this happening to me.

My eyes were open as soon as I could respond to the shouting.

"How long was I out?"

"Around five seconds." He told me, "I thought you were faking because...well because..."

"I'm sorry." I said, my lower lip wobbling.

My emotions were everywhere but I mostly felt...guilty for being caught.

"Don't be sorry- You shouldn't overwork yourself-" He cut himself off, clearing his throat.

"Like you don't." I said.

I backtracked as soon as it came out of my mouth.

"Sorry." I apologized.

He sighed, nodding.

Viktor continued: "But please stop working out behind my back. You have a schedule. Please. I have a reason for these things. Like...food is fuel? These workouts strengthen...but only if you rest to repair your body."

"Ok." I nodded and sat up.

"Well...now that's done...what were you going to say something before? Before you...?"

"Oh...nothing important. Just that I think that I had a problem with following the schedule which we can both see is a huge problem." I gazed away.

"Well. Ok." He stood up like this all didn't happen.

I stayed quiet.

"I am going to go finish_ their_ schedules. Come rest on the couch in my office."

I nodded, getting up my by myself. There was still a trace of blackness at the edges of my vision.

I followed him although I didn't want to.

The unsaid words between us were:_ I am going to watch you lay on the couch so you don't work out again._

This was the first time I ever felt tension in our relationship.

Viktor was typing out and editing schedules as well as little notes and suggestions to each client while I was on my phone, lying down. Resting. The tension in the room was eased down by time but I felt it in my gut that this was a rocky patch that was only going to keep getting rockier with my continueing unhealthy habits.

I googled signs of fainting. I already knew (Or I thought I did.) from experience but I got tips on how to avoid it. And boy did I want to avoid _that _happening again. I had to hide this better. This was somthing that I had and something that I couldn't let affect and ruin our relationship.

I knew I had to ease up on what I was doing. So I decided to eat regular meals again.

Then I decided to only _one _unplanned not-on-the-schedule workout to be only ten minutes.

Then I decided to put a password on my phone to hide the food logging app.

I was doing better already.

.

The next day after practice we were at a restaurant.

Our relationship felt less like a togetherness and more like he was watching me, Big Brother style. The food was ok. Talking with him at the restaurant was good. After the meal I put down the tip for the both of us, Viktor paying the bill in full. As I got up, I looked at my plate, the food was barely touched, only a couple of bites and it rearranged to look like I ate more. The atmosphere of the establishment was quaint, a bit too busy. We dodged a couple of reporters lingering outside, and ducked into the alleyway together.

I pushed myself against the wall before he could. Viktor's shoulder rested on the wall, facing me sideways. We both held a better vibe than earlier in the day but Viktor seemed worn out now, even after a balanced meal. I looked him in the eye because I would feel guilty if I didn't at least take a stab at it. To keep it balanced.

"How are _you_ doing Viktor?"

"Yuuri I..." He put on a smile, "I'm tired you know...just coaching and training. I'm glad today is an easy day since the schedule...but...yea." He shrugged, we already both knew what I did.

"Okay. I can tell you are not doing so hot. Just cancel a photo-shoot or get a employee. I can even help."

I put a hand on his shoulder.

"You know I need to get some publicity out there to help my image. Keep money coming in the future."

"Can you at least go to the doctor? Please?"

I looked in his face for an answer and saw that his under his eyes looked darker than usual.

"Fine. I'll check it out, but it is just probably from overworking. Nothing a break can't fix. Yea..."He sighed after he finished.

He didn't want to say yes to this. He wanted to do the same old same old. He wanted to keep pushing. I knew he wanted to get even better, stay at the top of the league. I knew. I knew this.

"Thank you. Well. Okay. You know that I love you." I said in earnst, "As a trainee and your fiance."

"I love you too-as your coach and as your fiance."

"Alright? Is that it? You good?" I asked.

"Alright. Da. Yes." He replied.

There was a silence.

"I just want us to be all good." Viktor said.

"We're good." I replied, kissing him in a dim alleyway.

I wish we were.

.


	5. run boy

_**A/N:** please review to give me a heads up on what im doing right/wrong and if you like the story! It will help me so much and it will guarantee the updates coming sooner! Also my head-canon is when they force Yurio to do thigns he just SWEARS af.  
_

_enjoy~_

* * *

ch4

"Have another sip of water." Viktor chirped and tried to hand a bottle of water to Yurio.

Yurio was wiping sweat off of his forehead.

He retorted, glaring at his coach: "Fuck off piss suckers! You say nothing when this porkie here say no to powerbar earlier...that you made me eat...you bitches."

He backed away from the water bottle in question.

"Is that really…you know. Ok. Well...hm. You do have more energy Yurio, even in your profanities. I try to help you and make you be your best since...I am your coach...for a small amount of time again." Viktor sighed, "But really..."

"Come on Yurio. Be nice. Viktor was trying to help...seriously." I muttered, not caring if he heard or not.

I put a hand on my hip, taking my last sip of water from ol' faithful. I threw my water bottle by the bleachers, stretching my quads lightly getting prepped for the next sprint.

The small blonde narrowed his eyes at me, the energy coming from him being downright hostile.

Viktor leaned against the bleachers holding a timer. It was a sunny day but somewhat cool for a summer day. Viktor was in a neutral mood, not taking any bribes today but not making Yurio and I do more. This practice was for speed and to boost our confidence for tempo work.

"Come on. A bit faster split if you can Yuri P. Wait. I mean Yurio. Yuuri, my love….you're good. One more for Yuuri and five for Yurio."

I glanced over, Yurio grumbling, he was wiping his hands on his shorts.

"Fuck." He clenched his teeth, "This is why I don't eat right before training. Frickin' hot."

His hands were clenched in retaliation and that is when I noticed something out of the ordinary...fresh...scratches? No. They were cuts, thin. I gulped and looked away.

My gaze meandered back to his arms, and when I looked to his eyes, he shot me a death glare.

I cleared my throat, coughing a small cough. Though I just drank most of my water bottle about a minute ago, my throat felt dry. I wanted to speak to him to tell him anything, something.

Even sorry.

"Don't." He warned.

Yurio said it like he _knew _I was going to say something to his face about this.

Well. Alright then.

"Ready guys?" Viktor cut in.

I put my thoughts away and at that moment we were both ready.

Both of us lined up at the line.

"Yuuri give it your all since it's your last. Ready….set. Go!"

We ran.

We both sprinted.

Not from our problems but running was merely a distraction away from what was really wrong.

It was an investment and a downfall.


	6. chest pains

_**a/n:** I feel myself getting back into my old running and restricting habits so this story deserves an update. I just went through and re-read all the chapters and there are some infodumps which I wish I could splice up but this chapter._

* * *

ch6

While in the bathroom washing my face, splashing it with water the next day after noticing Yurio's scratches.

I couldn't help but thinking about them.

They looked like they hurt and there was something more that was going on in his life that caused him to do this. I stared at myself in the mirror, dull eyes looking back at me. My skin was pale but held an ok color. The food restriction that I was doing made my times faster though felt way harder.

I scrubbed my face lightly; I needed to lose more weight so I scrubbed harder. A pang from my heart made me stop mid-scrub, it felt like there was something pulling at it. I cupped water in my hands and prayed it would go away as I rinsed my face.

As I was pat face dry the feeling in my chest came back.

It didn't feel natural to have. I didn't know what to do so I stared at myself with shocked expression on my face, towel in my hands, labored breathing.

"Ow." I put a hand to my chest and gasped.

A voice from the other side of the door, "Hey Lozer! We are leaving in two minutes and if you aren't out we will leave without you."

"No we aren't honey." A pause. "But please hurry!"

Fast Russian was exchanged between the two outside the door and I couldn't help but smiling. They were acting childish and I knew this was good for Viktor and normalcy for Yurio. It seemed like it was going to be a good day.

I opened the door, "Hey guys."

They suddenly stopped arguing in Russian.

"Hey." Yurio looked up at me, giving me an scrutinizing look.

"What?" I asked, unsure.

"You look pale and your face looks less dumb than usual." Yuuri snapped at me and stalked towards the front door.

"Sorry. I told him to be nice and well...he didn't sleep well...uh. Because he was up all night thinking of his crush." Viktor's voice pitched his voice a tone lower to a whisper, "You know, obviously not that but I'll tell you later if I remember."

"I heard that! I do not like soda! It is fizzy and gross." Yurio stomped down the hallway.

I smiled and looked to my fiancé, he just gave a small smile back.

"English isn't his first language? Bilingual?" I asked Viktor.

"Yes and no. Three languages actually. He's working on Japanese right now. All the mistakes are very funny though I can imagine its embarrassing."

I laughed at this, knowing how it felt because I knew Japanese and English fluidly. I followed Viktor. After the fifteen minute warm up we did drills.

I gasped in the middle of drills, and stood behind my teammates while holding my chest. I shook my head and caught up with them, Viktor giving me a curious glance.

I smiled back at him, acting like it was nothing.

.

Just as we were lining up at the start line, I put a hand to my chest, gasping again. The feeling wouldn't just go away.

I froze when I heard, "Hey. Yuuri come over here." Viktor instructed, "Now, please. Here."

"Ok." I did so.

"Are you feel like you are going to pass out or...Please."

"Im not." I shook my head lightly.

"What's happening then?" He took a hitched breath in, biting his lip.

"My chest hurts a bit." I said.

"Oh." He said in a small tone, nodding.

I sat down on the grass because the feeling was too much.

He sighed, sitting down next to me, explaining, "Walk around the track four times for cool down. Be careful. I'll call up my- uh- ah- The word? Oh- Doctor. A friend. Stop walking if your chest hurts."

Yuri came up to us, "Hey. Can I go back to my place? This is getting kind of boring and if we aren't going to do actual practice...Well I got a long day tomorrow."

I looked at Viktor, standing from his spot next to me then to the inpatient Yuri, he was tapping his foot.

"Let him go. Practice won't help today." I stood, dots invading my vision.

I walked away from them.

My head started pounding, I didn't bother to tell Viktor since I knew that it was from dinner yesterday that wasn't very much; only an apple and a slice of toast. Breakfast today was a cup of coffee with a dash of creamer.

My heart didn't hurt the walk around the track for a cooldown but it now ached with longing to stop keeping secrets.

But I had to keep them otherwise I wouldn't be enough.

My weight was proof of it.

.


	7. struggling more

_**A/N: **All the chapters have the backbone of what I want but have to be edited a bit. Enjoy reading. Still projecting my own thoughts and struggles into fanfiction. Its getting better but slowly. _

**_Mentions of self harm/injury talked about deeper/starvation_**

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ch7

"Are you ready?"

I was pulled out of my brain fog and fake reading my book. My chest didn't hurt anymore but I was dizzy while sitting down too. It was worrying but it wasn't getting worse so I just ignored it.

"Yea..."

I stood, putting down my book. I almost fell back onto the bed, I wanted to relax. I was too dizzy for this.

This was the last day Yurio was spending with us. Then it would be full attention on me. So much effort was being put into Yuuri because he was going to another place to train for the same races I would be competing in.

Today I managed not to eat, I almost got forced to eat an apple that Yurio was forced to eat.

My nervousness was pooling in my stomach, I wanted to stay hollow. If only. I could run and just inject something into my veins. Walking then we are both in the dining room, Yuuri at his place already.

I sat down.

The dining room window to the small patio outside showed a gloomy day.

Another shaky breath in, then out, my eyes could not lift themselves from my empty plate.

"How has your training been Yurio...seeing any progress?" Viktor asked, scooping generous spoonfuls of food onto his plate.

"Fine." Yurio grabbed a bun, "That powerbar the other day...da. Was interesting. I don't eat right before otherwise I sweat too much and I hate that feeling. I think I have more kick in my running."

He took a large bite from his bun, ripping it in half.

"Good! Good!" Viktor laughed.

"Da." He nodded.

They both were calmly eating. I was freaking out, looking at the salad, the buns, the pasta. The cut up oranges and plums? What should I eat? My stomach was starting to scream; the food smell intoxicating, my dangerous eating habits making me fearful to touch anything.

Viktor put a hand on my shoulder.

He said in a quieter voice, "Yuuri…how about your training?"

"Fine." I looked away.

Practice actually hurt a lot, my muscles were in pain every second of the day because they weren't getting enough fuel.

Silence.

"Fine." I said a second time, pouring cold water, to put off eating. The ice cubes clinked in the near silence. The water actually hurt going down, I didn't want to tell them this. My legs were starting to shake, I was going to get called out.

"You are not over-training as well as overdoing...others?" He asked, imploring this topic.

"Nyet." I blushed furiously, "No. I mean."

But his previous words met the silence while giving me a pointed look at my plate. He thought I overate at lunch, just another piggie. I did take some sweets to my room around lunchtime which I didn't end up eating but throwing deep into a drawer. He didn't know the extent of all the shit but he knew about the pork bowls...last year that ruined everything.

A small portion of a bigger picture. My stomach did a flip. The hunger was now gnawing at my insides. It hurt. I leaned over the table, pressing at my torso with my wrists. I knew I had to go slow, stop when I was full, eat like a normal person. But I just wanted to grab it all. My gaze stayed in my lap.

My heart was beating at full speed and I lowered my head, tears at the edges of my eyes.

A loud breath hitched in then, "I need a breather."

I shot up from the table, palms wiping at the tears escaping my eyes. I ended up in my room...our room...my space for now.

My freak-out space. I knew that I should of gone to the book room but the dusty pages and the large shelves didn't seem to comfort this feeling since I was trying to read a book for the extend of today but only read five pages. The blankets felt soft to the touch and upon bringing them to my face, I noticed that Viktor had washed them this morning. He did so much for me when I just failed him so much. Eating too much off-season and now this disordered eating bullshit he was starting to catch up on. I flung myself on the bed, curling up into a ball.

I knew I should of just grabbed something and I knew I should of just shut off my anxiety.

But if I put off eating too long I binged, if I worried I binged, I felt like if I ate anything that made me happy or full, I binged. I could never win. The phrase: "I binge, therefore I am." seemed to be me these days. It described what I did and how I did it. I put my head down in between my knees amid the blankets. I closed my eyes and melted into a depressive mess. I cried softly into the blankets.

"Oi."

I jumped a little.

"Go away." I said, muffled.

"So...that thing." He said slowly.

My head raised, I sniffled and met his adverted gaze.

I sat still, eyeing him with suspicion, the tears slowed.

"Well like?" He started.

"How are your arms?" I spat

His mouth hung open for a second, then he clamped down with his fevered angst and a furrowed brow.

"How is your stomach?" He returned with equal resentment.

He crossed his arms, covering his wrists while doing so.

We both scowled at each other.

He flipped me off with a quick hand gesture.

I scoffed at this; stuck my nose up, glowering, tears gone and fury present.

"How is your blade?"

"How is your food?"

"Fine." I decided, "Fine. We can't be mean to each other."

I let a small smile quirk up on my lips and patted the spot next to me. Yurio nodded, then sat down next to me

After a long silence, "Have you eaten today?"

I breathed in, "I haven't."

He nodded at this comment.

"Don't make it worse. Yuuri just. Please. Just try to stick to something beneficial otherwise you are going to get an injury. Not eating is not so bad for short term but long term doing this your...uh...eating could get worse."

I nodded at this comment.

Yurio rubbed his wrists, the scars already looking irritated. They weren't bandaged I noted and he saw me looking. Yurio stopped; he glanced away. I looked away too, pressing my hands into my stomach as it loudly grumbled. We both laughed nervously at each other.

"I'm going to get back. Take care." He stood, pat my hand twice.

He closed the door.

Tears stung at the edge of my eyes.

I hated it. I hated myself for getting to this state.

So I feel asleep, dreaming about eating pork bowls and miso soup.

I woke up and I felt a shiver come on, from the depths of my chest to the tips of my toes. The cold seeped in from my bones, it felt like I would never be warm again.


	8. figuring it out

_**a/n:** He is struggling more and more despite not showing as many symptoms as previous chapters. riparoni. i dont know how to say but im falling deeper into my restrictive part of my ED. : /._

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The weeks seemed longer. I was overexercising some days to the point where I would fall from exhaustion at the end of the day onto my bed. I started eating less. I noticed that my binge urges became harder and harder to control. It sucked as well as being always cold, bundling up with two sweaters and it wasn't even fall yet. It was just the tail end of summer.

My weight was taking a nosedive despite the weekly binging.

The running was getting harder as racing season was approaching and soon upon us. I only finished the workouts by pure will. My coach and fiance decided that he was going to not compete this season, it was just me now. The first race was coming up and it was going to be hell, the workouts felt like races themselves. And I had to get a physical before I could compete.

The upcoming doctor's appointment made me want to crawl into a ball.

But I had been hiding the symptoms of my disordered eating better from Viktor though my thoughts only fixated on food.

It was hard but I was able to do it as I was going to do with the doctor's appointment.

"Ok I'm leaving!" I looked behind me and my eyes widened.

"Viktor..." He was dressed, I continued, "What?"

"I'm coming with you!"

"Ok."

There was dread deep down.

.

We walked to the appointment in town, a little over four miles. I left on purpose an hour and a half early so I could walk and not take a cab or a ride from a friend. Viktor neither commented nor questioned this but instead followed me to the office.

We went in the building.

After the receptionists desk, waiting room, then into the clinic room, checking, checking, checking. Blood pressure low, oxygen saturation, lower, bags under my eyes. I turned to the side and coughed, everything turned out fine but one thing. More checking. Questions. Questions. My weight was checked not once but twice, a nervous laughter from Viktor the first time then stunned silence from the doctor and all of us.

We walked out and Viktor only said one thing.

"You have been lying to me."

I looked away, there were tears in my eyes. I had been lying to him but it was only ten pounds. It wasn't bad and I didn't need help.

.

Later I was in my room full of books. It was not the bedroom of which Viktor and I shared but this room was equally as comforting to me.

A knock alerted me so I set down my book in my lap.

"Yuuri...?" Came an unsure tentative voice from the other side.

Viktor came in seemingly inch by inch, very slowly.

I sat up in the chair, shifting the blanket off my lap.

"Well..." he started " I called that doctor...who is a friend of mine some time ago. But I trusted you and after that doctor's appointment..."

I stopped breathing for a moment.

I cleared my throat, breath returning, "No. Uh. Maybe. What do you mean?"

"Well...that friend...doctor said that the reason your heart er- chest? Yeah. Well now I know after that appointment." he said bluntly.

"Well...I have been feeling more anxiety lately because I really want to do extra workouts but I have...been following it. I have also been drinking a lot of coffee lately. I am also a bit stressed to be honestly since you are still working yourself...uh...a lot. Though you dropped out its still a lot!"

This was all true but not all the reasons.

Keeping the truth hidden in a round about way was still lying.

But he dug deeper.

"Look at me." He held both my hands.

I looked at him.

"Tell me. Please. Tell me the truth darling.

I looked him straight in the eyes.

"I broke my streak a bit ago...it hasn't actually been three months." I bit my lip to keep it from quivering, "I have been better. And yeah...I lost a little. It wasn't intentional at first but then I just lost two pounds last month. I swear its really slow."

A lie twisted in.

"Is that all?" His breath hitched up a note, "...Are you sure?"

"Yes." I nodded.

Inside I was crumbling.

.


End file.
